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[18 Dec 2007|02:43am]
ive been  waiting for many years to be able to be happy again.

but now ive had the pills for a long time and i cant bring myself to swallow just one. why am i so scared of those damn little pills?

[28 Oct 2007|05:59pm]
this is so stupid becuase youve treated me so poorly in the past and what makes me think its all going to just stop now? its all better because we're going out again. why are we going out? do you even want to? you say you do but then you say you like to see me, but you cant see me right now. and you wont be able to see me ever. we're going to be at different schools for four years. and i might move closer to home but im still far from you. and this is hard because im not supposed to change because of you but youre the first thing i see in my head when i think of home

[03 Oct 2007|01:35am]
sometimes i dont understand why living is so hard. why ive worked so hard for eighteen years trying to get myself to where i am today only to find out that i am nowhere. to find out the things i care about and the things i am knowldgeable about mean jack shit in the real world. and i am just an insignificant, fat, disgusting, american living on earth.

[27 Sep 2007|12:19am]
nothings changed. nothing ever changes, for the good at least. actually im wrong. things have changed but theyre worse probably. or maybe theyre the same. i dont know. days just blur together now.

im stupid. im stupid. im stupid. and thanks for never letting me forget that.
1 comment

[26 Jul 2007|09:31pm]
i feel really stupid writing in this thing again. but i feel like im going to scream.

i love you so much the thought of losing you hurts me. but being with you hurts me too and i don't know which one will hurt me more, so i just keep on moving along like there is nothing wrong. and i love you so much but today when you were kissing me i didn't feel the butterflies in my stomach. i didnt feel weightless. i didn't feel like i used to feel. and thats probably becuase im having a bad day, because all the butterflies were there yesterday. but i want them to be there everyday.

you're so damn cute and that makes it fucking hard to be mad at you.

but i cant get a word in edgewise. everytime i say something about how i feel, something about how frustrated i am you dont listen! you dont listen at all and as soon as you stop listening to me and start insulting me, my heart breaks and i feel awful. because the instant i realize you arent listening that insults and tears will follow. i can't have a concern, because my concern is always ridiculous and you are the one who is wronged in the situation. so the insults flow in my direction.

and everythings always my fault. hey buddy, when you say we're both at fault you can't follow it up by saying "but you're more at fault." thats not half at fault. and sometimes i dont even think i'm at fault sometimes. sometimes, yeah, ill admit i do something stupid. but sometimes you just get mad and you yell and you yell and you freak out and i can't stop crying and i feel worthless. Do you know that you make me feel worthless? because i don't think that you do, but sometimes i can't feel anything better. i walk around some days and it feels like my heart is missing from my chest. i feel unloved, ugly, stupid, and like a horrible human being.

nothing makes me more mad then when you talk about wanting to do exciting stuff, but when i throw some valid ideas out on the table you turn them all down. and i wish you would plan something romantic once in awhile. put on a collared shirt and tell me to wear a skirt and lets go out for dinner or on a cute date. i don't know. something different. i dont know. all those things are so trivial. 

the big thing im worried about is that i can't say anything to you without you getting mad. and you don't know how much that bothers me. it makes me feel like nothing at all.

the worst part about this whole thing is i could never ever say any of this to your face with out you losing it.

[27 Jun 2007|12:01am]

i dont understand anything anymore and its frustrating because i thought i was just figuring it out.


[03 Mar 2007|09:08pm]
i didnt get accepted on violin...

...but i did on bass :)
2 comment

[30 Dec 2006|02:00am]
i love how no matter how not cool im feeling i can look at pictures from my job at smile :)

oh! im ready for it! come on bring it! [22 Aug 2006|08:19pm]
2 comment

[04 May 2006|08:04pm]

im sara and if you want you can comment to be added.

so, like i said, i'm sara and i'm sixteen years old as of july 30, 2005. eventually ill age, and i probably wont edit this first entry when eventually hits. i'm pretty much a normal teenage girl. i go to high school (im a junior), i have a job (i work with persons who have disabilities), and i am confused about the world and myself.

my aunt however, calls me a rebel. im a rebel because i am very liberal, hate our current president, think gays should be allowed to marry, talk back to my parents, dont eat meat, go out on sundays, listen to music that is not mainstream, and once had the color pink in my hair.

if thats what makes a rebel, then i am a very good one.
but, if its not, and my suspicion is that is not a correct definition, than i am not so much rebellious. just sara.

12 comment

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